I’ll never forget the moment my psychiatrist diagnosed me with ADHD. A wave of relief washed over me as I realized there was an actual reason why doing “normal” things in a “normal” way felt impossible. Suddenly, it wasn’t just me; there was something I could address, something I could treat, and for the first time, I felt a glimmer of hope. Medication changed my life almost instantly, allowing me to navigate daily tasks with newfound clarity. Fast forward 20 years, and during a session with my therapist, I came to a startling realization: despite the progress I had made, I was still caught in a cycle of overexertion, feeling like I had something to prove. It was then that I understood—I had been unknowingly trapped between the stages of grief for two decades, mourning not just the struggles of living with ADHD but also the lost opportunities and unfulfilled potential. In this blog post, we’ll delve into the ADHD grief cycle, exploring the emotional landscape that many of us traverse after diagnosis and how we can begin to heal and move toward acceptance.

Understanding the Grief Cycle

1. Denial: “This can’t be happening”

Common Scenarios:

• An adult diagnosed with ADHD feels disbelief, thinking, "I can't have ADHD; I just need to try harder."
• A parent of a child with ADHD refuses to accept the diagnosis, believing it is just a phase or behavioral issue.
• An individual recalls past struggles but dismisses them as mere laziness or lack of discipline.

Management Strategies:

• Seek Information: Educate yourself about ADHD to understand the diagnosis better, which can help in accepting reality.
• Talk to Others: Share your feelings with trusted friends or support groups who understand ADHD.
• Journaling: Write down your thoughts and feelings about the diagnosis to process your emotions.

2. Anger: “Why is this happening to me?”

Common Scenarios:

• An individual feels frustrated about missed opportunities in life due to undiagnosed ADHD and expresses anger towards family members for not recognizing it sooner.
• A parent resents the educational system for not providing adequate support for their child’s ADHD.
• An adult lashes out at friends or colleagues when faced with challenges that stem from their ADHD symptoms.

Management Strategies:

• Physical Activity: Engage in exercise or physical activities to channel anger constructively.
• Mindfulness Techniques: Practice mindfulness or meditation to help manage intense emotions and gain perspective.
• Expressive Writing: Use writing as an outlet for your anger, allowing you to articulate feelings without harming relationships.

3. Depression: “What’s the point of anything now?”

Common Scenarios:

• After realizing the impact of ADHD on their life, an individual feels overwhelmed by sadness and reflects on lost potential.
• A parent mourns the idealized future they envisioned for their child before the diagnosis.
• An adult experiences feelings of hopelessness when trying to adapt to life with ADHD and struggles with daily tasks.

Management Strategies:

• Therapy: Seek professional counseling or therapy focused on grief and ADHD management.
• Support Groups: Join support groups where individuals share similar experiences, fostering a sense of community and understanding.
• Routine Establishment: Create a structured daily routine that includes self-care practices to combat feelings of depression.

4. Bargaining: “I will do ANYTHING to change this”

Common Scenarios:

• An individual thinks, "If I just work harder, maybe I can overcome my ADHD without medication."
• A parent considers alternative therapies or diets in hopes of "curing" their child's ADHD symptoms.
• Someone reflects on past decisions and wishes they could change them to avoid the struggles associated with ADHD.

Management Strategies:

• Set Realistic Goals: Focus on achievable goals rather than perfection, allowing for gradual progress.
• Consult Professionals: Discuss treatment options with healthcare providers to explore effective management strategies for ADHD.
• Acceptance Exercises: Engage in exercises that promote acceptance of oneself and the condition, such as affirmations or guided meditations.

5. Acceptance: “It’s going to be okay”

Common Scenarios:

• An individual acknowledges their ADHD as part of who they are and begins to embrace their unique strengths.
• A parent learns effective strategies for supporting their child’s learning style rather than focusing solely on challenges.
• Someone actively seeks out resources and support networks that empower them in managing their ADHD.

Management Strategies:

• Advocate for Yourself: Learn to communicate your needs effectively in personal and professional settings.
• Celebrate Progress: Regularly acknowledge and celebrate small victories in managing ADHD symptoms.
• Continuous Learning: Stay informed about new research and strategies related to ADHD management, reinforcing a proactive approach.

What You’re Feeling is Valid

This grief cycle is not linear. As I learned in my therapists office, people move back and forth between stages as they navigate their feelings about ADHD over time. It makes sense that instinctively you might revert to denial when facing new obstacles. The way society and uninformed people around us treated us when we didn’t behave in neurotypical ways led us to jump to self-blame and shame. These limiting beliefs are part of our subconscious programming. It’s easy to feel angry at yourself for interrupting someone again or putting something together wrong because you didn’t follow the instructions. The good news is that you have the ability to let go of those old beliefs and replace them with new, empowered ways of thinking. You just need to learn the tools and skills that will work best for you. It’s a skill issue, not a personal failing. And the good news is you can start figuring out what you need right now.

Committing to Change: The Good, The Bad, and The Unknown

Change can feel like a rollercoaster ride—exciting but also a bit scary. Which of these are resonating with you right now?:

Possible Upsides:

• Less Stress: Imagine feeling lighter and more optimistic.
• Taking Charge: You’ll start feeling like the boss of your own life.
• Praise from Others: Positive vibes from friends and family can boost your confidence.
• Self-Love: Building up your self-esteem feels amazing!

Possible Downsides:

• Fear of the Unknown: Change can feel risky—what if it doesn’t work out?
• Discomfort: Stepping out of your comfort zone is tough.
• Past Failures: Worries about failing again can creep in.
• Judgment from Others: You might be anxious about how people will react.

How to Reflect on Your Feelings about your diagnosis

Acceptance is a journey that takes time and support. Becoming self aware is the first step toward a life without shame and guilt. It’s important for you to uncover and face your personal feelings in order to process and release what’s no longer serving you. The following worksheet can help you better understand yourself and give you an opportunity to give yourself the compassion and empathy you need

Free Worksheet!

Here's a free worksheet that can help you work through your acceptance journey, including a filled in example to help guide you.

Downloadable Acceptance Worksheet

Up Next

As we navigate the complexities of the ADHD grief cycle, it’s essential to remember that healing is a journey, not a destination. Acknowledging our feelings and experiences is the first step toward acceptance, allowing us to move forward with greater self-awareness and compassion. While it’s natural to encounter setbacks along the way, embracing our unique paths can lead to profound growth and resilience.

In our next post, we’ll explore practical daily strategies for fostering acceptance in your life as an ADHD adult. These actionable tips will empower you to embrace your journey, celebrate your strengths, and cultivate a mindset that supports your well-being. Stay tuned as we take the next step together toward a more fulfilling and accepting relationship with ourselves!